I read the book by Stephen Chbosky when I was (and I HATE when people use this phrase. It was in the movie a lot actually. But it’s kind of the only way to describe it?) “in a bad place”. About three years ago when I was a junior in high school. It was teenage angst and questioning my life and choices and friendships and path. I loved the book, because I thought I could relate to Charlie and that all I needed was to find great people to have great experiences with. After awhile, I got better. I found those great people. I had those experiences.
But, after revisiting Charlie’s story tonight, I’ve become overwhelmed with some really strange feelings. The most prominent thought I’m having is that…nothing’s changed. Not really. I’m definitely not depressed. But I’m still questioning my life and choices in the same way. I’m having the same problems with my friends. What am I doing? I should be changing as a person. And for the better.
But I just have this recurring fear that I’m being used. That nobody is really friends with me for me. They’re just using me because they need me for something I have or just to vent to or whatever. I realize that I take friendship more seriously than other people maybe, which means I’m the first to offer up something or to initiate or to just do something to further the friendship. But then I question is progress for the sake of progress good? Have they realized that I will do things for them? And now our friendship has been reduced to them only seeing me out of necessity?
I don’t even think they know it. But it happens so often with me. That I feel like people are friends with me because I make it easy for them. I do all the work and they can reap the benefits. And I know why I do it. Because I know that if I don’t offer up anything or work for the friendship, nobody else will want to. Nobody will approach me or think of me unless I keep myself relevant in their minds. I’m a wallflower.
So when will I meet my Sam and Patrick? When will this cycle be broken?
When will there be someone that I need?